Inspired by that horribly infectious '25 Things' meme on Facebook, as well as my fixation on the Fail Blog.

25 Reasons Why I'm An Epic Failure

1. I have changed jobs/career paths way the hell too many times. I am trained in a load of things that are worth feck-all to the job I have currently. I'm officially at the end of my schooling days, and if at some point in the near future I get bored, decide that law is BS, and I want to do something else, I'm chucking it in and filling out an application at McDonalds. No more useless degrees or certifications for me.

2. I've been cheated on, in one way or another (or in many ways all at once), by every one but two of the people I've been in relationships with. The two who did not cheat were just plain too crazy to stay with, even by MY standards.

3. Yes, contrary to the stories you might've heard, I AM a human being....but I've been spayed.

4. I'm so claustrophobic and crowd-phobic that I cannot ride the subway, which, while giving me a lot of free exercise when the weather's nice and I can walk places instead, costs me a shit ton of money in car fare when the weather is crap as it is now.

5. I started smoking at an older age than anyone I know, yet, I also smoke more than almost anyone I know, and cannot frickin' stop.

6. I'm also addicted to caffeine, and have been since I was around 8 or 9 years old. Good thing about this, I suppose, is that if caffeine actually stunts your growth, starting so young might be the reason I'm not 6'7 right now. Bad thing is, if I'm careless and run out of coffee one morning, I'm seven ways fucked.

7. I am possibly the most vindictive, grudge-holding, nutjob bitch I've ever known. If you've done something awful to me or said something awful to/about me in the past, even if it was 25 years ago, you better believe I remember it, am storing a video of it in my mind, and god help you if you do something ELSE or catch me on a bad day.....you'll bloody well be hearing about it. You can also never really tell if I'm keeping you around solely to torture you, or how long I might wait to strike....I'm just THAT vengeful.

8. I'm not a flakey person in general, but I'm flakey as all hell when it comes to returning emails and phone calls. I go through periods when I'm doing well with it, but that's usually when I have nothing else pressing on my mind. I can't concentrate on an important project AND socialize at the same time.

9. I cannot properly multi-task at ALL. I do things individually, to completion, very well, but ask me to do several things at once? I'll screw them all up irreparably.

10. I have so much trouble lying that I often admit to things I shouldn't, and get myself in trouble. I also refuse to lie to spare someone's feelings....I don't think I'm EVER doing a person any service by BS'ing them, even if the truth isn't something they want to hear at the time. This, too, has gotten me into a lot of trouble.

11. I stopped drinking for a full two years, but fell off the wagon because of someone else. I'm officially back on the wagon again, but have a bit of trouble trusting myself and my self-control after that disaster.

12. While I've managed to keep off AT LEAST 50 pounds since 1999, the other 50+ pounds have been yo-yoing on and off since then. I cannot seem to stay at a steady weight for more than a few months. Currently I'm doing the best I've done since 03, but I need to keep an eye on myself.

13. Aside from what I wear to the gym, I refuse to dress 'normally' (ie, like someone who's living in the 21st century), EVER. I do NOT like wearing pants, and will not, unless it's absolutely necessary. Even my work suits are, for the most part, vintage or vintage inspired.

14. I am convinced that despite my foul mouth and outspoken nature, I am a lady, and must look and (for the most part) behave like one. I also expect to be treated like one. In NYC circa 2009, that's like asking to see pigs fly.

15. I have what some have called an obnoxious intellectual superiority complex. I don't see a thing wrong with that.

16. I cannot sleep in anything besides silk, not because I'm a princess (even though I AM), but because anything else is too scratchy and keeps me awake.

17. I am obsessed with EPIC FAIL. I'm sure this too will pass, but quite frankly, it's even beginning to annoy ME.

18. I drink water, coffee, and tea chronically, and therefore, constantly need to pee.

19. I actually consider it a compliment when people tell me I look dead. The best compliment my mother ever gave me came recently when she asked me if I was TRYING to look dead in photos, and acted surprised when I told her I didn't have to try.

20. I have been listening to Shane MacGowan's cover of 'Eve of Destruction' on and off, but always on loop, since yesterday afternoon, and most of the time, been singing along. My obsession with this song has been around since I first heard Barry Maguire sing it when I was 5, my obsession with Shane MacGowan is actually unhealthy, and I cannot sing for shit.

21. I regularly Google image search for pictures of puppies and kittens, and have been known to sit and ogle said pictures for over an hour.

22. I used to hoard pencils. I don't anymore, but even still....that's freakin' weird as hell.

23. Not only have I had to get a restraining order against someone, I've had to get several against several different people over the course of my life.

24. There are people in this city who genuinely believe I was born a boy, and had a sex change operation, all because of one person's wild imagination.

25. I just wasted over a half hour writing a list of reasons why I fail epically. If that isn't enough to prove I'm a schmuck, I don't know what is.